Local Revision: Flow

Zaio56. "FLOW logo". 2/16/16 via DevianArt. Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.

Before

An additional main stakeholder in the controversy is the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, or NASA. Their involvement began in December 2010 when they held an astrobiology conference claiming they had funded a study that had discovered a bacterium that confirms the possibility of life outside of Earth.

NASA is a government agency that focuses on all things space. In general, they are extremely reliable and their studies appeal to nearly everyone because people find the unknown, and thus space, interesting. People interact with NASA every time one hears about a new discovery made by the United States regarding the universe. For example, the entire world interacted with NASA when they announced that Pluto was no longer recognized as a planet. In addition, NASA’s research has assisted in the inventions and/or betterment of the computer mouse, technology used to detect breast cancer, highway and runway drainage systems, and even vineyards.

After

An additional main stakeholder in the controversy is the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, commonly known as NASA. Their involvement began in December 2010 when they held an astrobiology conference claiming they were the primary funders of a study that had discovered a bacterium that confirms the possibility of life on other planets.

NASA is a government agency that focuses on all things space. In general, they are extremely reliable and their studies appeal to nearly everyone because people tend to be interested in the mysteries of space. One is interacting with NASA every time they hear that the United States has made a new discovery regarding the universe. For example, the entire world interacted with NASA when they announced that Pluto was no longer recognized as a planet. In addition, NASA’s research has assisted in the inventions and betterment of projects including the computer mouse, technology used to detect breast cancer, highway and runway drainage systems, and even vineyards.

Explanation

I arranged the new paragraph to flow better than the old excerpt by changing word order, removing excessive words and adding phrases that better illustrate the main points to my audience. The new section is better, because word placement is much more deliberate.